Why?
by xfool
Summary: How do our Harm and Mac respond when one of them becomes terminally ill?


**Title: Why?**

**Author: xfool**

**Disclaimer:  I am a poor college freshman.  I do not own JAG.**

**Author Note(s): This idea popped into my head today as I was studying for my finals.  It's kinda sad but oh well.  Mic and Harm and Renee are a little out of character but the again this is pure fiction.**

**WHY?**

"Go.  Please…just…go," she pleaded as she held her door open, showing him the exit.  

            "Is that what you want?  Is it?" he yelled.  "Why did you even bother to call me over?"

            "Yes…no…I don't know," she said to the ground.  When she looked into his eyes he could see that her head and her heart were in a raging battle for control.

            His temper softened.  "Come on.  Let's go sit down and talk about this rationally," he urged.  His strong arms gathered her shaking frame and led her to the oversized couch.  He gently wrapped a blanket around her before taking his place on the couch next to her.  His eyes sought hers.

            "Please tell me what's bothering you.  It hurts me to see you this upset."

            She took in a deep breath.  "You…" she said simply as she stood up and paced the room.  

            "…You're always on my mind, always there…" she stopped at the window; her back turned to him, hiding her face, her tears.  "…I hate going to work every morning, knowing you're there, knowing that I'll never have your heart because it belongs to someone else.  I'm so sick of this damn game, of this dance.  One minute we're laughing and joking then the next we're using formal titles and professional tones.  I hate seeing you and not telling you how I - ''

            "How you what?" he interrupted.

            She wiped the lone tear running down her cheek.  "How I love you," she said still facing the window.

            The storm outside quieted down, as if Mother Nature sensed the tension in the room.  The silence was broken by the sound of crying and the distant thunder.  

            He stood in complete shock.  "I, um…wow.  I don't know how to respond.  I wish that I felt the same way, but I don't.  I have Renee and I'm happy.  Kissing you at your engagement party was a mistake.  I'm sorry that I gave you the wrong impression.  I think I should go.  I'll see you in the office tomorrow," he said as he let himself out.

            She waited for the soft click of the lock before completely losing all of her composure.  It was then that Sarah MacKenzie allowed her emotions to run free as she curled up on her couch in front of the fire.

            She woke up the next morning in the same position.  Her morning routine wasn't the same anymore, not after what had happened in her living room not twelve hours before.  

            For the first time ever, she was late to work.  As Mac walked through the bullpen, the entire JAG staff noticed a change in the usually friendly colonel.  Her eyes were still red and puffy from the crying she had done.

            "Tiner.  I need to see the admiral ASAP."

            "Uh, aye ma'am.  Please have a seat."

            "Colonel MacKenzie to see you sir," he said into the intercom.

            "Send her in."

            Mac rose from the stiff office chair and walked into the admiral's office.  The admiral looked up from his work.

            "Colonel, so nice of you to grace us here with your presence.  I expect you have a reason for being late and not showing up at all yesterday?"

            "Yes sir.  Permission to speak freely?"

            The admiral sensed something wrong, "Have a seat Mac."

            "Thank you.  I went to the doctor's two days ago to see if there was anything that I could do for these headaches that I have been having.  Unfortunately, I do not have migraines…" she trailed off.

            The admiral walked over and sat in the chair next to her.  "Mac, what is it?"

            "Sir, I have cancer.  It is inoperable and there is not treatment.  The doctor's say that short of a miracle I won't survive.  I have at most twelve months…" she stopped, knowing that her voice would betray her.

            "Mac, I am so sorry.  It's ok to cry, you don't have to be so strong.  After lunch you and I will work something out about your will and your job.  Now we need to call a staff meeting when the commander and lieutenant Roberts are out of court.  They should be back around 1100."

            "With all due respect sir, I don't think that the commander wants to see me right now.  I asked him over last night to tell him what happened and how I feel and he threw it all back in my face."

            "Have you told Mic yet?"

            "I did, and he said that he didn't want to marry a 'sick' person.  He cancelled the wedding, asked for his ring back and hopped the first plane to Australia.  He also said that I was 'damaged' and he wouldn't tolerate anything…"

            "So you called the commander to tell him everything?"

            "Pretty much.  I really don't feel like talking about this anymore sir, if you'll excuse me…"

            "Of course.  Dismissed."           

            Mac left the comfort of the admiral's office and locked herself in hers, mentally preparing what she had to do before the inevitable.  She was interrupted by Tiner who informed her of the staff meeting.  Slowly she made her way to the conference room, not wanting to say what she had to.  In her mind she went over and over what she had to tell her closest friends, her family.  The oak door felt heavier than usual and time seemed to slow down.  

            Everyone was in their usual places around the conference table, patiently waiting for her.  She silently slipped into her chair next to Harm, unable to look at him, unable to say anything.  The admiral cleared his throat.

            "This is a meeting that I wish I never had to call.  Colonel…"

            "Thank you.  As most of you know, I have been having terrible pains lately.  I received a call yesterday morning before work from my doctor to talk to me about some test results.  He diagnosed me with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  It will aggressively metastasize and invade the rest of my body making me weaker and weaker each and every day.  At most I have 12 months.  I ask that you treat me no different and if you want to talk to me about this please do… My doctor says that I have treatment options but that the cancer is too advanced…" she stopped, her voice wavering.  "In a week or so I will have a dinner and everyone will be invited.  I want to write my will and give away some belongings before…well just before I visit Uncle Matt…one last time."

            She stood and left the room, not wanting to see the looks of sympathy from everyone, not wanting to see the hurt in Harm's eyes, not wanting the others to see the fear in hers.

            The admiral dismissed everyone, knowing that Harm would immediately go to Mac.  And he was right.  

            Mac was turned in her chair, looking out the window.  Not seeing who was knocking on her door, she said softly, "Come in."

            Harm walked in.  "Mac, what was all that about?  Why tell everyone so informally?"  He was trying to stay calm, but Mac could tell that he was on the verge of losing his temper.

            "It was the admiral's decision.  Not mine," she said with equal venom in her voice.  "I tried to tell you last night after Mic left me but when I did, you left."

            "Mic left you?  That's why you called me so late then, huh?"

            "Yeah.  He didn't get home until late and when I told him and tried to go to him he left.  Asked for his ring and hopped the first flight back.  I wanted to tell you everything before I couldn't.  I didn't mean to upset you…"

            "Well, you did.  I'm sorry that Mic left you, I truly am.  But what I said last night I meant.  I'm sorry."

            He left her office before Sarah MacKenzie lost her composure, again.

**ONE WEEK LATER**

            The entire JAG staff (without Harm) and Clay Webb were assembled in Mac's living room, joking and laughing.  Mac slowly made her way to the fireplace, the cancer already showing its signs. 

            "Can I have your attention please?  Thank you.  I am so happy that you are all here tonight.  This really means a lot to me.  I want you all to take a look around and write down what you would want to have to remember me by.  Take your time and when you're done, leave your request on the paper by the door.  If I fall asleep please just let yourself out, and I ask the last person to lock the door behind them."

            Her guests somberly made their way throughout the apartment, not wanting to believe that Mac was going to leave them so soon.  No one except for the admiral and Harm knew about Mic's leaving and Mac preferred it that way.  Webb was the last to leave and noticed that Mac wasn't really asleep.

            "Mac, you okay?  I know you're not sleeping."

            She sighed.  "I wish that Harm had come over.  It hurts that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.  I want to take away his pain, the pain that I have caused him.  But I also want him to be hurting so bad that he needs me.  He's been my best friend and protector…"

            "Do you want me to corner him?"

            Mac laughed.  "No, I think this is one battle I need to fight on my own.  I decided with my doctor today to not go through with the chemo.  It's not going to help me…I thought that maybe it would but I was only kidding myself."

            Clay noticed that she was getting tired.  "I think I'm gonna get going.  I'll talk to you later.  Good night Mac."

            "Thanks Clay.  This talk has taken a lot off of my shoulders."

            "Anytime.  I know that this is hard, but we will all be here for you."

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

****

            Mac had stopped working.  The pain was becoming unbearable.  She was in a Hospice now and her plans to talk to Uncle Matt in person were no more.  Everyone visited at least once a day.  It was heart breaking for Mac, not only to see everyone and not know if this would be the last time but because she had not seen Harm since… it seemed like forever.

            Sighing, she reached over to her night stand and started the journal she decided to keep for Harm.  She still believed that he would come see her.

_Harm,_

_            Please do not hate me for what I am about to say in this book.  These are my thought and feelings as I lay here dieing.  _

_            We say cancer as if it is a bad word.  We tiptoe around, always ignoring the fact that I am sick.  That I am not getting any better.  I try to not let that bother me.  People live with cancer.  But the end seems so near. _

_            I'm sure that Harriet told you the doctors thought I was going into remission.  I half expected you to call me and tell me you were happy about the news.  But I know now that you have blocked out all knowledge of my being.  I don't blame you, Mic did the same thing.  I just wished that what I had told you didn't ruin the fragile relationship we had spent so many years making.  _

_            Everyone tells me that they're fine but their eyes deceive them.  I had to tell Little AJ that I was sick today.  I swear that the sound of my heart breaking when he told me that I wasn't sick cause we still have to play marines and I have to read him his bedtime stories  could be heard around the world._

_            I wonder right now, how many people's lives are being destroyed…how many people are doing the same as me…how many have lost their best friend when what they needed the most was just that – a friend._

_            There is no more denying it now.  I am dieing.  I know I shouldn't be.  I'm not even 35.  I never got the chance to be a mother, never got my happily ever after.  But I hope you do.  I hope you become a father, I hope you find the right person and have the happily ever after that I will never have._

_            You're so far away now and I wonder what you are doing.  Sometimes as I lay here I wish I was dead already.  I wish that my suffering was over.  There is so much that I wish for right now._

_            If I knew that this would happen, I would trade everything to be with you for one more minute.  All my medals and accreditations for one last lunch, one last joke, one last night out at McMurphy's.  One last laugh._

_            I ask myself why.  Why must I suffer more?  Why do I cause your pain?  Your sleepless nights?  Why do I sit here and stare out the window, out the door, hoping to see your face one last time?  Why am I dieing all alone?_

_            This disease is my enemy.  The one enemy I cannot defeat.  And I am afraid.  Afraid that everyone else will abandon me when I need them the most.  Afraid the cancer will claim my life before I tell everyone how I feel about them.  I'm afraid of death itself._

_            I love you Harm.  So much.  You have always been the one there for me no matter what…I just wish I could return the favor._

_                                                All my love,_

_                                                            Sarah_

            Mac closed the journal, feeling somewhat more complete.  She put the list that everyone made on top, along with instructions for the admiral.  

            Leaning back into her pillows, Mac let her eyes close.  She used all of her energy writing that first entry.

            And all alone, she left the world.  Harriet arrived two minutes too late.  The doctor whispered brief condolences as the nurse handed the journal and the instructions to her.

**THREE DAYS LATER**

            The church was empty now.  The last of the mourners leaving for the cemetery looked over Harm as if he was just part of the scenery.  It was the admiral who got him to go to the burial.

Harm's POV

            How could she not be here?  I was going to go see her.  Of course that's what I said to myself everyday.  And everyday I never went.  She looked to me for help and I just pushed her away.  I think Renee is happy that Mac is gone.  Sick in its own way but I know that deep down Renee at least respected Mac.  I'm expecting Mac to walk into my office Monday morning and offer me some of her horrible coffee.  I didn't want her to die alone, afraid; not knowing how much I care – cared – for her.  It's not fair.  Poor little AJ, he doesn't understand and hearing his wails for Auntie Mac are breaking my heart.  I'm vaguely aware of Chaplin Turner reciting the psalms Mac liked best.  My vision is clouded over with my tears and I can barely make out the rest of JAG standing around the hole in the ground where her body now rests.  I hope she isn't cold, that she is okay with the dark.  God, I just want to hold her, to see her one last time.

Big AJ's POV

            I don't like this.  She was too damn young, and about to make full colonel.  I see what this did to everyone but it seems to affect Harm the most.  I knew that he never acknowledged her after our staff meeting.  That he never saw her good spirits even though her cancer made even breathing the most painful, laborious task.  I'm going to pull Harm aside when we go to Mac's apartment tomorrow and hand him the one journal entry she was able to write.  I know that she loved us all equally and that she wanted to write to each person.  I just wanted her to live one more day so that I could say goodbye.  If I hadn't kept Harriet those extra minutes, Mac could have died with some one she loved by her side.  I hate having these regrets.  

**NEXT DAY**

            Harm was the first to arrive at Mac's apartment.  Walking around, he saw her key ring hanging in it's place by the door.  Placing his hand over the coolness of the metal, he could almost visualize her reaching for these same keys in the morning before work.  A few minutes later Bud and Harriet arrive soon followed by Sturgis and the admiral.  The admiral begins by reading her will.  Most of her money goes to a trust fund for Chloe.  There are Christmas and birthday presents still waiting to be wrapped in her closet, Harriet is going to donate them to Goodwill in Sarah's name.  The admiral goes down the list until he stops at Harm's name.  

            "Harm.  I was told to give you this and the keys to the corvette."

            The journal is handed over to him and Harm takes the keys before leaving without so much as a good bye to anyone.  Renee had driven him over, she needed the car.  He opened the door where he found his US NAVY sweatshirt folded neatly on the driver's seat and an envelope on top.  Gently moving the shirt, he opened the letter.

            _Harm-_

_                        Enjoy the car.  Open the trunk._

_                                                Mac_

            He pressed the trunk release button and walked around.  Inside he found a framed picture of the two of them.  It was from Bud and Harriet's house-warming party.  Just seeing the picture brought tears to Harm's eyes.  It was the two of them laughing as he spun her around.  Her eyes sparkled and he could clearly see that it was him that she loved.  He took the picture and slammed the trunk.  Driving away, he ended up at the hangar where "Sarah" was waiting.  

            Flying usually cleared his head and that's exactly what he needed.  He parked the car and headed to the plane.  He knew that his mom and Frank and grams were worried.  Harm just couldn't bring himself to talk about her to anyone.  

            He was just about to land when he sensed something was wrong.  And just as he thought that, the plane landed and a wheel broke.  Nothing serious and Harm attributed the mishap to his own carelessness.

            Back at his place he had pasta boiling on the stove and his US NAVY sweatshirt on, inhaling Mac's scent, trying to not think that she is dead.  Renee walked through the door as he set the table.

            "Harm, whose car is outside?"

            "Mine."

            "I thought Mac had a 'vette."

            "She did, now it's mine.  Ready to eat?  I'm not hungry but I'll sit here with you."

            "Harm, you have to eat.  Mac would have wanted you to eat, to move on."

            "Don't tell me what Mac would have wanted!" he yelled.  "You didn't know her the way I did.  I don't even think that you liked her when all she did was try to be nice.  She knew that you and I were together, that she was engaged –"

            "What about the kiss?" she interrupted.

            "I initiated that.  I told you that night.  She was the one who saved me when I was in the ocean, not you.  She helped me when I found out about my dad.  She came to the wall with me last year when you decided to skip town and not tell me on Christmas Eve.  She was the one who…"

            "Who what?" she asked, afraid of the answer.

            "Who I loved.  I pushed her away when she and I needed each other most.  I have so many regrets now."

            Renee had had enough.  "Well, you shouldn't.  I knew that little tramp loved you and I rubbed it in her face every chance I got.  She wanted what she couldn't have and I'm glad she's not here.  She got what she deserved and that was to die alone!"

            Harm stood up and opened the door for her.  "I think you need to leave.  Give me your key; I'll be over tomorrow to pick up my stuff.  Good night."

            Realizing what she had just done, Renee tried to fix the problem but Harm was firm in his decision.  (A/N: GO HARM)  When she left, he finally allowed himself to grieve for her.  

            It was almost three in the morning when Harm woke up suddenly.  He had fallen asleep on his couch.  Planting his feet firmly on the wood floor, he sat up and that's when he saw her.

            "Mac?  Is that you?"

            "Yeah Harm, it's me," she said as she walked over to him.

            "You're dead…"

            "I had some unfinished business before I am allowed to be an angel.  Please get on with your life.  Don't forget about me; just don't let your memories consume your life.  I'll always be here.  You might not see me, but you'll know.  I have to go, but tell Harriet that I said congratulations…she has some big news to tell you tomorrow."

            "Don't leave me," he pleaded.

            "I have to.  I will be here.  I love you flyboy," she said as she vanished.

            "I love you too ninja girl," he said to the spot where she was.

            Harm walked into the bullpen Monday morning, feeling better than he had.  He was about to get some coffee when Harriet stopped him.

            "Good morning Harriet, what's with the smile?"

            "I'm pregnant, sir."

            "Congratulations, from both me and Mac.  I know that she would have been happy for you."

            "Thank you sir, but I have one question.  Would it be alright if I name her Sarah MacKenzie Roberts?"

            "I think it would.  Excuse me Harriet, but I need to finish some work before court this morning."

            "Aye sir."

            Alone in the solitude of his office, Harm cried.  For Mac, for himself and for the new baby Harriet was carrying.  And finally Harm was allowed to ask himself, "Why?"

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